Tuesday, March 1, 2011

not a good way to start a new month

i'm starting this month with a lot of questions. not a good way to start this month actually. i'm starting to doubt my life. all my choices so far and i don't have answers to my still-hanging-future. i don't even know why am i so pessimist this time. i don't even know me anymore. i'm different from that girl years ago. i was a med student, with a lot of spirit to be a good doctor and to save lives. and i had hope about my study even though it's hard .i had a lot of plans, going to AZ to get a job and then find a school. or going to PH and study there. i don't even worry about "ujian persetaraan" which i had to take afterward. i don't care all of that because i  belive that when i finished my study, there will be a lot of international hospital, so probably aku ga perlu lagi ambil ujian persetaraan. i even think getting paid by dollars.

but now, everything seems falling apart. i thought, after i couldn't go abroad to study, i can still study here. so i think UI is a great choice because they are still fair until this time. choosing cardio especially. aku kira aku bakal berjuang habis2an, ketrima ndaknya ya itu nasibku. at least i don't have to spend a fortune just to get me back into the med school and scratching every penny along the process. but i think God has different plan for me. jadwal ujian UI bareng ama tanggal lamaranku. okay then, i thought perhaps this is God's speaking for me to pay attention, like He tried to say "kurang jelas ta?"

back up plan is pleasing everybody by trying Unair. i don't like the idea of going back to Unair, especially when i've already knew what i will face once i'm accepted. and perhaps because of that, everything is a mess right now. penundaan PTTku bermasalah, pendaftarannya juga ga buka2. right now i'm in the middle of nowhere. semuanya ngambang dan itu merantak jd masalah lain. kalau penundaan PTT sekarang bermasalah, ga menutup kemungkinan akan bermasalah lagi di kemudian hari. because of that, i decided to give my full time work at mitra to get a job in a clinic yg bisa dihitung sbg PTT cara lain. well, as consequences, my salary won't be as much as before. and it took 3 years to complete it. and probably, even though i can get it now, mungkin aku ga akan bisa langsung daftar periode ini. worst case is i apply after wed or next year. yg berarti molor lagi. belon lagi masalah ACLSku yg bakal expired taon dpn.

right now, i have no idea what to do with my life. i started to question everything. is this really what i want? i wasn't this person a year ago. am i giving up too much? or is this what i've become now? i'm starting to doubt my decision. choosing you for instance. is it the right choice? somehow, i want to do a measurement. what have u giving up since we're together? since i felt that i've given up so much. i know, it's all my choice, my decision. that's why i'm questioning me right now. and i don't know how to get myself back. i hate realizing how vulnerable i am right now. i cried more than i used to, and i hate that i had to depend on u most of the time. putting my life on line. or is this some kind of exchange? i never dream about getting married and here i am, in the road of being married. i always dream about being a hard-ass doctor, no matter what specialist i chose, but here i am, in the road of nowhere being a specialist.

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