Sunday, September 11, 2016

me and the strip test

people might consider i'm lucky or blessed, but somehow and sometimes I feel that i'm cursed. I know that many people try to conceive and even some don't get the result that they want. but me? I asked for a break and then the unexpected happened. okay, let me tell you, that i'm pregnant with kids no #3.

say what?? yes, i'm on pill (I'm looking at you, cerazette) but sometimes since i'm so forgetful, I skipped a day and take double on the next day. which is the rule of taking pills. and I've been taking this pill from my firstborn, so I think skipping a day won't miraculously making me pregnant. but turned out I was wrong. my og said that perhaps the day when I skipped the pill is my ovulation day, that's why I still can get pregnant. yes, even though i'm on pill and breastfeeding.

now, let's talk about fertility issue. most people is more concern about the infertility rather than the other way around. well, let me tell you, too much of anything is never good. the same with fertility. too fertile can bring some troubles too. I know that taking pregnancy test at home can be scary. most people is scared that the result is one line which mean they don't get pregnant. but me? i'm scared taking that test because twice i'm taking the test and both came back positive. so don't judge me when I said I was scared to test the last one. I'm scared if the result is positive again. somehow in my mind, if I take the test, it will tell me that i'm pregnant. every time. so please believe when I say pregnancy test is scary for us. yeah it's easy to use, but the effect on my mind is terrifying.

now, being Asian, especially Indonesian, there's a certain belief here that many kids equal many blessings. which I think is not false at all, but not completely true either. many kids will force you to work harder which then result in bigger income. but your expenses are getting bigger too! that's why some family are forced to leave their kids in caregiver's hand since both mom and dad have to work to feed the kids. and then problems might occur. you can't control the caregiver to do exactly the way you want them to handle your kids, which might result in behaviour problem. but since you don't have any option, you have to deal with it the best you can. which sometimes mean giving up. but if you forced yourself to be a SAHM while you still want to work, it might be a problem in your mental state which then affect the kids behaviour too. so this is a vicious cycle.

for me, having a kid is beyond my imagination. I didn't even think that I will get married at some point. I even believed that perhaps i'm destined to be single for the rest of my life. but God has different plan. and then I got married. and that time, the main concern was for me to get into the specialist programme. but again, God has different saying about it. even before we could get consultation about birth control, I was pregnant. but then I was accepted in a graduate programme, which then forced us to leave our first son with my mom or my in laws. and then with the nanny. you might think I can still get to school again, but it was exhausting. being a mom and a student at the same time. it was so stressful. and then I think I will get a job first after graduating. but even before I took my exam, I was pregnant again with kids no 2. at that point I was angry with God. why did His plan never go hand in hand with mine? why should He contradict everything that I've planned? but I decided to accept it. thinking that I can still working part-time. but then my baby refused taking the bottle, even refuse to take a nap with the nanny. and my mom nagged me all the time when I had to work. so by the time she was 5 month, I decided to quit. and then I became SAHM.

now let me tell you, the stress level was high. I was used to meeting people, working and thinking. and now I became SAHM. dealing with kids and their unreasonable behaviour. my problems were their refusal to eat and discipline problems. 180 degrees contrary to my usual problems. and then I thought my second one is big enough. I started to wean her slowly. we started to make vacation plan. but then suddenly I found out that i'm pregnant again. thankfully all the vacation plan still can go as planned, but with adjustment on the schedule. but I can't attend my little sis's ROM. the weaning process had to be accelerated. plus our renovation schedule had to be rush.

so let me tell you, I know infertility is bothersome for some people. especially in Asian culture. those who can't have kids are thought as being cursed. but us, the fertile one are cursed too. people often blame the women for being careless. not careful to check their cycle so they can get pregnant again and again. and then the procedure to get the permanent birth control is not that easy. i'm lucky my doc give me an okay when I told him that I want to get permanent birth control after giving birth to my third one, even though i'm only 31. I have heard one of other moms in my son's school that her request of being sterilized is denied by her doc since she only had 3 boys! and she delivered them all by caesarean procedure! which I think 3 is the maximum procedure allowed in a woman. plus she's older than me! now I think that's a problem. it should be our decision! why the doc has the saying in this? oh well.. Indonesian...

and life itself. being too fertile sometimes mean you have to put a hold in your life. you can't go anywhere in the world when you have a baby and two toddlers. it will be crazy trying to put them on long haul flight. plus it won't be fair for other passengers too. and then finding caregiver nowadays is very difficult, finding a caring and responsible caregiver is even more difficult. with all the child abuse cases all over the news, you might be worried leaving your kids in the caregiver's hand. but if you don't work, then you won't have enough money for your kids.

and then the mental state of everyone in the family. more kids equal more troubles. the mom can be depressed by having to stay with the kids all day long. the dad can be depressed from the workload and then coming home a riot house. the kids can be depressed too, facing an angry mom and a rage dad. so let me tell you, being too fertile is a curse too.

now about the pregnancy problem. every time people heard about my pregnancy they will say that i'm blessed. well, I do think that i'm blessed but that doesn't make it right for them to judge that it's okay for us to have more kids. especially since I don't have any record of troublesome pregnancy. I rarely get nauseous in the first trimester. even on my first and third one, I don't get nauseous. I do get low appetite on every pregnancies and different tendency in cuisine liking. I am blessed for being able to gain not too much but the baby's weight is normal. I gained 10kg on my first (I ate like crazy on my first one but only managed to gain 1 kg each month), 8 kg on my second, and this time 8 kg on my third. some think that I can easily back to my pre-pregnancy weight in no time since I don't gain much. but they're wrong. I can only back to my pre-pregnancy weight around a year after giving birth on my second one, and still carry 3 kg on my first one.

both my first and second one were delivered vaginally, and I didn't experience great pain like other people. we got to the hospital at midnight and I was dilated 4 cm and at 5.25 am my first son was born. pretty quick for first-born. the second one we arrived 11.30 pm and my baby was born an hour later. both didn't have any difficulties, and I didn't suffer bleeding afterwards. that's why many people said i'm blessed for not having troubles in pregnancy. that I can keep active during my pregnancy, working and exercising and even going on vacation. that I don't have to bedridden during my pregnancy. but then don't judge me to keep on getting pregnant since I always have easy pregnancy! raising 2 kids are challenging and let me say, it's hard for a used-to-be working mom. and now I have to face the possibility of raising 3 kids! talking about responsibility...

so let me tell you once again. being too fertile isn't that easy. we suffered from it too. we struggled a lot. so please don't judge us. the too fertile couple. and we won't judge you, the infertile couple, the trouble-in-pregnancy mom, the problem-in-delivery mom. although I never experience it, i'm sure it will impact your mental state. it will impact your husband and your family mental state. so let's stop saying "when will you have kids?" "why don't you adopt?" "why don't you have more kids?" "why do you keep getting pregnant?" let's just everyone deal with it in their own time. don't meddle. it's so stressful answering those questions.