brain dump: how the pandemic affects me

this might be the first time i wrote anything about this pandemic. bahkan seblm pandemi ini mulai di indo, temen2 udh pada pesimis pemerintah bisa mengatasi pandemi ini secpt mungkin. dg jumlah penduduk banyak, lokasi yg tersebar ga merata, terpisah lautan, dan juga tingkat pendidikan yg ga sama rata. belum lg dg banyaknya berita hoax di sana sini yg malah lbh santer dan cpt tersebar luas dibanding kebenaran ilmiah. setahun berjalan somehow pandemi spt tertahan. aku sdh bilang berulang kali, kemgknan kenyataannya lbh parah, tp tidak diungkap di media. banyak temen sejawat sdh melihat beda angka yg dipajang di medsos dg kenyataan di tempat kerja masing2. tidak meratanya fasilitas kesehatan, bahkan ada bbrp tmp di pedalaman yg ga punya PCR. cuma mengandalkan rapid antibodi. tdk ada rumah sakit besar, atau pun kalo ada harus menempuh perjalanan sekian lama utk mencapai rumah sakit. blm lagi opsi lockdown yg berkali-kali hanya omong doang, tdk dilaksanakan atau cuma ala kadarnya, tdk ada gunanya sama sekali. 

bakalan panjang kalo ngmg soal birokrasi. blm lagi carut marut pegawai pemerintahan. ga akan ada selesainya. setahun awal nakes sdh sempat merasakan dampak pasca libur panjang lebaran dan akhir tahun. peningkatan pesat jumlah kasus membuat rumah sakit penuh. membludak. susah cari obat. tapi dengan vaksinasi membuat nakes kembali semangat melawan. tapi tidak ada kesadaran dr masyarakat hingga sekarang muncul varian delta yang lbh virulen. otomatis penyebaran lbh gampang. ditambah dg motto bangsa "mangan ra mangan asal kumpul" plus masker yg hobi diplorotkan. sudahlah, kebohongan sdh tdk bisa ditutupi lagi. kasus meningkat pesat. rumah sakit semua penuh. bahkan nomor antrian sekian panjang sampai tdk terpikir lagi kok bisa spt itu. blm lagi krisis oksigen. obat. 

org2 yg panik dengan mudahnya memborong semua yg diblg dapat membantu mencegah covid, tanpa ingat dr awal sudah diingatkan, masker. jaga jarak. tapi semua milih mengabaikan dua hal utama. memilih menimbun obat, oksigen, dan mencoba segala terapi yg katanya berguna. lupa mencegah lbh baik drpd mengobati. skrg tdk cuma yg sakit covid yg kena dampaknya. org yg perlu cuci darah. org yg mau melahirkan. vaksinasi anak. org yg kecelakaan. semua terdampak. mau ke rumah sakit semua penuh. semua terisi pasien covid. rumah sakit jd tmp penularan. 

satu persatu tenaga di rumah sakit dan fasilitas kesehatan tumbang. pemerintah dg enaknya sesumbar menambah jumlah kamar, jumlah rumah sakit darurat, jumlah peralatan untuk isolasi mandiri. tanpa ingat bahwa nakesnya ini manusia yg ga bisa dicopy paste. muncullah komplain pasien tdk tertangani, ditelantarkan. nakes lagi jadi sasaran, katanya mengcovidkan pasien tp tdk mau menangani. apa yg mau ditangani? tangan kami hanya dua. kaki kami hanya dua. nafas kami juga bisa ada habisnya. vaksinasi yg kmrn didapat bagai tameng yg skrg sdh compang camping diserbu hantaman pasien yg datang bertubi tiada habisnya. 

yg tidak di rumah sakit berusaha menahan bendungan pasien. menawarkan konsultasi virtual untuk pasien isoman. agar kondisi mereka tdk memburuk. agar mrk tdk sampai ke rumah sakit. untuk mengurangi beban teman sejawat di faskes rujukan. tapi apa daya juga? yg di rumah tidak selalu punya fasilitas untuk monitoring. sekedar termometer dan oksimeter tdk ada. jgn bilang obat. obat saja hrs berebut dan antri, entah brp hari lagi baru dapat. blm lagi saat saturasi sdh turun. cari kamar susah. kami pun tdk pny kuasa untuk memaksa teman sejawat menyediakan tempat untuk semua pasien isoman. satu persatu berita pasien isoman meninggal bermunculan. geram rasanya tdk bisa berbuat lebih untuk mereka. tp apa daya kami? tangan kami tdk bisa ke mana2. kami tdk bisa menciptakan obat untuk mereka minum hari itu. tdk bisa menyediakan oksigen yg mereka butuhkan. 

blm lagi saat istirahat. bukannya mendapat ketenangan, isi medsos kami penuh dengan berita teman sejawat, senior kami sakit. butuh donor plasma. satu persatu meninggal. mungkin tdk semuanya aku kenal. bahkan mgkn dulu aku juga tdk dekat dg mereka. jengkel dg mereka karena mereka mendapat priviledge sebagai keluarga dokter sedangkan aku di sini hanya rakyat jelata. tapi sedih hancur skrg melihat, mendengar informasi mereka sakit. dirawat. butuh donor menandakan kondisi mereka tdk baik.

saat ini sampai aku tdk tahu hrs menyebut nama siapa saat ditanya lebih baik konsul ke siapa? aku sdh tdk tau lagi siapa yg masih selamat. siapa yg masih praktek. siapa yg isoman. siapa yg sdh meninggal. masih banyak dokter. iya mgkn masih banyak. tp yg pny pengalaman dan ilmu setinggi mereka tdk sama jumlahnya. biar bagaimanapun mereka senior kami. kakak kls kami. jam terbangnya lbh banyak. pasien mereka lbh banyak. kalo mereka tdk ada, ke mana kami bertanya? menunggu pengalaman kami sebanyak mereka tdk secepat mata berkedip. 

at this moment, i feel helpless. i might not be their family, but i feel the despair. i feel the sadness. biarpun status kami tdk sama, biar gimana juga mereka jg melewati hal yang sama. sekolah 6 tahun. praktek di rumah sakit. jaga malam. makan makanan jatah. sama2 kena damprat senior. sama2 tidur geletakan saat jaga. we took the same oath. we promised we would call them our family. and now my family is hurt. one by one i lost my family member. kami yg notabene dokter, kami bahkan tdk bisa menyelamatkan nyawa sejawat kami. senior kami. i just hope we could get through this. at the end, i hope i can see some familiar faces. i can still hear some familiar names. 

brain dump: work your *ss!

okay. i bet this is a common line that come out of everybody (okay.. perhaps every other women) when they met a new mother that get back in shape quickly "wih.. enak ya badannya langsung balik.." trust me.. for some people, it doesn't come easy. and although i was considered as lucky to be fall into that category, i will say that i'm not lucky. i work my *ss to get my body back. so stop saying that it's easy.

if you just had one baby, then it might be easy for you to get back in shape. pas aku punya anak pertama, gampang banget turun beratnya krn urusin anak sendiri, gak ada pembantu waktu malem, belum lg hrs pumping, kuliah dan magang pagi harinya. jadi stress plus menyusui dan gak ada yang masakin (aku ga bisa masak, jd katering dan katering waktu itu ga enak), akhirnya badan pun susut sendiri tanpa olahraga. aku pun jadi terlena dan males olahraga dg dalih badan udah capek semua. hasilnya apa? sampe anak setahun berat badanku pun masih nyantol 3 kg, padahal aku cuma naik total 10 kg, berat lahir anak 3 kg, jd total aku cm turun 3 kg dlm waktu 1 thn. padahal itu udah ga makan enak.. malem jarang makan snack alhasil asi seret waktu itu, bahkan sering kering kalo udah waktunya presentasi.

then i had my second one. and i realized my tummy was bigger than my first one. and after delivery, it didn't shrink as much as my first one. when i had my first one, my husband said that my tummy shrunk like a balloon after being popped. flat. but on my second one, my tummy wasn't as flat as before. and i felt easily exhausted. at that time, i was completely on leave so basically i had nothing to do. i had a nanny that helps me with my first one and cooked too! so i had enough food. i was more pampered than my first one. but i was easily exhausted, so i wondered, did i lose my stamina already? so i decided to start exercising early. with my first one, i just got back to exercise when he was a year old. with my second one, i did the exercise from 6 months, and i did a super light exercise at first and i finally got my weight back when she was a year old. unfortunately, i found out i was pregnant again couple months later.

with my third one, i decided to get back to exercise sooner. partly because my husband loved to travel. and travelling with kids need extra stamina. trust me. i've been travelling with two kids and a baby bump twice in two months in my second trimester. and i was fine. so exercise... i originally use NTC apps to exercise, but most of the exercise are super killing, and i can't do most of them as soon as i want to. and luckily a friend of mine told me about blogilates. blogilates is mainly pilates, and cardio. but mostly no weight except for your body weight. basically she had this calendar going on, so you can see every exercise you have to do daily. yes, daily people.. okay.. with one day rest, but you still have to stretch on that day, so basically every day. she combined cardio and exercise that targeted certain area.

i started when my last one was just 3 months (let me remind you that i had all my children through natural birth, so exercise is okay sooner than you think). and i started with the beginner calendar. and the first thing that i noticed was my abs muscles were weak. i couldn't do a roll ups properly. so for the whole month i followed the beginner calendar, and at the end of the month, i started to feel my muscles are stronger. i could do a proper roll ups. so i followed up the next month using the current calendar and i've been exercising ever since. although i still have few more kilos to shed, but i feel i'm stronger in stamina. but i can't say the same about my flexibility. i use my rest day to rest instead of doing yoga or stretching.

what i like about blogilates is that she keep changing the exercises so we won't get bored or getting accustomed with it. although i have tendency to have favorites, but i still do most of them. although in some exercises, there are few moves that i skip, mainly because i hate, partly because i didn't use mat so my elbows or my knees got hurt. when i use the mat, i do that move, but when i were too lazy to take out my mat, i just skip it. if you want faster result, do her PIIT, it will make you breathless. i still can't do 4 rounds, usually i will do 2-3 rounds according to the time that i got. but i'm okay with that.

so people, if you want to get back to your pre-baby shape, then exercise. i would say that you should eat healthy too, but i'd be lying since i didn't do that. i eat whatever i want, and luckily, i didn't gain much because of all that eating. so when you meet new mother that get her pre baby body fast, perhaps she is exercising and eating healthy and not dieting. and do not envy her, especially if you didn't exercise and just hope that you will lose your weight naturally. ps: i also breastfeed, but i can't lose my weight with just breastfeeding, so get your *ss moving!

brain dump: makeup for my sanity

okay.. i've been neglecting this blogs for ever. i've wanted to write about hongkong trip, but somehow i got sidetracked. will get back to that later. hopefully. hahaha.. not promising anything yet. so, since i have 3 kids, i considered myself deep drown in this thing called motherhood. and i didn't put one foot in and one foot out, i completely drown. i even hadn't had the chance to go back to work or anything since my second one was born. so... i've been reading a lot about motherhood, so i guess i just want to spill my brain out here. not judging anyone, not getting angry at anyone, i just want to vent. to keep me sane.

tempo hari ga sengaja baca artikel di babycenter, tentang seorang ibu (kemgknan ya bule) yg lagi belanja bareng anaknya. si ibu mgkn bajunya biasa aja, bahkan mgkn ada tanda2 "kerusuhan" akibat ulah anak, tanpa makeup lg belanja di supermarket. mungkin juga rambutnya cuma diiket kuda ato malah ga dikonde supaya ga ribet. lalu tiba2 si ibu ini dihampiri ibu2 lain yg lebih tua. si ibu yg lebih tua ini dg halus "menyarankan" ke ibu pertama tadi agar dia sedikit memperhatikan dirinya lebih baik. the old lady told her to put nice clothes on when she went out from home, put a little bit makeup and do her hair so she looked presentable and nice. the old lady even told her that she was the same as the mom when she was young but she got the same advice she was given her and the old lady realized and did it. she put on nice clothes and put on some makeup before heading out. si ibu diem aja tapi setelah itu dia menulis artikel dan mengomel2, mengatakan bahwa si ibu tua tadi ga punya hak untuk menasehati dia. dia punya kok baju bagus, bisa pake makeup, cuma pas hari itu dia lagi ga kepengen aja. dan dia merasa tersinggung, merasa bahwa dg berpenampilan biasa aja seakan2 suatu kejahatan, padahal dia sudah capek mengurus anak dan rumahnya. dia merasa bahwa biarpun nasehatnya bagus, tapi waktu untuk mengutarakan nasehat itu kurang tepat.

actually, reading the article tickles me. and also reminds me of the similar story of my own. at that time, my little one was just 2 months old. it was my dad's birthday dinner party and my sister's marriage celebration. karena msh menyusui, aku memutuskan untuk memakai gaun yang bisa dipakai menyusui, ada bukaan gitu. tp modelnya ya biasa aja. (on side note: sekarang enak banyak onlineshop yg jual baju menyusui di indo walaupun modelnya masih kebanyakan casual. dulu pas anak pertama beli baju menyusui di singapur nitip adik). waktu itu aku memutuskan untuk pakai makeup tipis2 tapi hanya mengikat rambut dg karet rambut biasa. pikirku waktu itu paling tidak ga keliatan zombie jd harus pake makeup, tapi krn msh harus gendong bayi dan ketemu banyak orang, lebih praktis rambut dikuncir saja. little did i know that later that night, an old friend of our family approached me and gave me pity look.

at that time i brought our nanny along. but even though i have a nanny, i still take care of my kids as much as i can. jadi, si tante merasa kasihan dan sedih ngeliat modelku waktu itu. baju yg biasa saja, ga ada bagus2nya di matanya, walaupun bajuku sopan, dan rambut yang dikuncir apa adanya. dia merasa aku jd lebih tua dr seharusnya. she told me that even though i had a newborn baby, i should've take care of myself better. at that time i just listened to her out of courtesy. i didn't want to hurt her feeling. but i was annoyed. aku pikir, ini tante ga tau apa repotnya ngurus bayi? masih untung aku sempet pake makeup. suamiku aja aslinya udah bilang ngapain sih repot2 pake makeup, toh orang2 jg pasti maklum kalo ga sempet makeup, kan baru punya bayi. but apparently she cared. even though she is a mom herself.

gak lama setelah itu, aku ngeliat ada mama2 influencer di instagram. she posted her hairstyling routine. she said that even though she was busy, she made time to put on makeup and style her hair on special occasion, like holidays or special event. she said that it was for her own sake. dengan dandan atau menata rambut dia merasa lebih cantik dan itu membuat dirinya senang, dan akhirnya dia melakukan kegiatan hariannya dg senang pula. ujung2nya semua jadi ikutan senang. dan dia bilang nggak perlu sampe mengorbankan anak, karena dia sendiri juga harus mengurus anak tanpa nanny. she told us to pick the most convenient time for us. for her, it's early in the morning before her husband and daughter wakes up. she will wake up an hour earlier to get herself ready. and i was inspired. later that night, i sneaked some time to style my hair when my kids were asleep. i stopped when the baby was up for his night feeding and resumed when he was asleep again. and i felt better, just like she said.

kembali ke cerita si tante tadi, terus terang kalo si tante komentar begitu waktu aku habis punya anak pertama, aku bakalan langsung emosi dan tersinggung mendengar komentarnya. karena waktu itu aku gak punya nanny dan anakku kolik jd rewelnya luar biasa setiap hari. aku sendiri hampir stress menghadapi 3 bulan pertama. boro2 dandan, bisa mandi dan keramas saja sudah bagus. tapi seiring dengan anak makin besar dan waktu itu aku masih sekolah lagi dan harus magang, mau tidak mau aku harus dandan agar tampil profesional. mulai deh kebiasan merawat diri dilakukan karena waktunya ada. dan setelah terbiasa, aku jadi ketagihan karena aku tahu hasilnya bagus. kulitku jd lebih terawat bahkan suamiku sendiri komentar ternyata ada gunanya semua krim dan masker yang aku templokin di mukaku.

jadi waktu anak kedua, aku tetap melakukan perawatan muka. lebih awal daripada setelah melahirkan anak pertama. walaupun masih belum pakai makeup, tapi aku meluangkan waktu dandan dalam kurun waktu lebih cepat dibanding anak pertama. pas anak pertama baru dandan setelah 3-4 bulan krn waktu itu masuk sekolah dan magang. pas anak kedua, pas usia 2 bulanan jg mulai dandan tipis2 tapi rambut ga diapa2in. dikuncir aja demi kepraktisan. pas anak ketiga, hasil dr merawat kulit makin keliatan. makeup jd makin bagus hasilnya biarpun masih amatir. biarpun pas usia 2 bulan ada kejadian si tante itu. tapi waktu si bayi tambah besar, aku mulai memiliki waktu luang lebih banyak. i start buying new makeup to replace my old one that has been expired. and having a new one makes me want to try them most of the time. plus my other sister is getting engaged so i was planning to do my own makeup. so about my baby is 4-5 months, i start sneaking late night to practice doing my makeup. and also style my hair. by the time my baby is 6 months, i wear makeup mostly when i'm out to mall on weekend and to church. i even put on makeup when i feel like it, even though it's not a full makeup one. the key is to do it quickly.

intinya apa? intinya saran si tante tadi dan ibu tua dalam cerita tadi ga sepenuhnya salah. biarpun mungkin timingnya ga pas. si ibu di cerita kadang masih pake makeup, just like i do. cuma pas itu dia lagi ngerasa ga pengen aja. dan ga menutup kemungkinan kejadian ini berulang dan terjadi pada siapa saja. if you're a new mom, please don't get offense when someone gave you the same advice. nanti pada waktunya kalian akan merasa saran tadi ga ada salahnya, cuma salah timing aja. aku sendiri merasakan keuntungannya. doing my makeup makes me feel good. it makes me feel pretty. and when i feel myself pretty, i am happy. and if i'm happy, my kids are happy too and the whole house is happy. in other words, doing makeup keeps myself sane. that doesn't mean that i always put on makeup to make myself good. but if i'm feeling low and tired, i put on a little bit makeup to cheer myself up. to lift up my spirit. and that also doesn't mean that i neglect my kids so i can do my makeup. i'm lucky enough to have nanny around to help me, but if you're a mom without a nanny, i believe you will find a time and trick to sneak time to pamper yourself.

i will repeat another influencer mom's word: you're a mom, but you're also a woman and a wife. jadi, gak ada salahnya dandan sekali2. itung2 suami juga seneng ngeliat istrinya lebih seger sedikit. dan sekali lagi, ini bukan saran kalo bayinya baru lahir gres. ini saran untuk saat bayinya udah mulai gedean, minimal 3 bulan dan waktu tidurnya sudah lebih teratur jd kita sendiri jg mulai punya waktu luang lebih banyak. dan tidak selalu harus makeup. i bet there's another way to make yourself feel better other than putting on some makeup. just keep yourself sane!

brain dump: mr.ahok

i've been neglecting this blog for so long. mainly because i don't think i have anything to write. my life is boring and my biggest problem is parenting issue, so i don't think it's worth to read for anybody. hence the hiatus. but lately i have something to ease my mind, rumbling thoughts about stuff, and i think i better put in writing.

i know the heat is starting to ease down. with the election is finally over and the winner is already announced. but i don't want to talk about the politics. i just want to talk about the person. before this man came out in the politics world, there's no one like him. he came from minority but he still doesn't care. he knew a lot of people will get pissed off with his way of ruling the big city, but he still doesn't care. he just did what was right and for the people.

now, during the election, i notice that both sides were doing black campaign. from the winning side, they tried to push the idea that he's a blasphemer. from his side, perhaps even though it wasn't his doing, they tried to point out every flaws that the enemy have. the winning side got a lot of negative publicity. the elected governor was pointed out that he wasn't completely honest, that he could change directions anyway that could benefited him. that he would willing to bend rules and regulations to get his aims, even though it would mean to put amazing numbers on the budget. the elected vice governor was also pointed as ungrateful conglomerate. that he himself, was being raised and cared by people that he called infidels. that he forgot to even thank them and even embezzled their money. that he was suspected to have dirty talks with female public figures, something that's out of his characters that was told to be "religious and well-mannered". both elected winning part was accused to have flaws in their characteristics, something that build what kind of men they are. something fundamental if i might say.

but this phenomenal guy, people couldn't put his flaws up front. all they could do was blaming him based on a video that probably has been edited to serve their purpose.  something that probably wasn't true. they didn't accused him for being dishonest person. they didn't accused him for being adulterous. they didn't accused him for being honey-mouthed person. which i think, means that he stands true to what he believe. that is being faithful both to God and the people that he served. i'm not saying that he didn't have flaws in his characters, but they couldn't find one to put it out in the public that might discouraged his voters. they didn't find something interesting about him. he was just a plain and simple guy. no love affairs. no scandal. basically almost nothing.

even american presidency almost always got tainted by scandal. corruption. love affair. but they couldn't find one on this man. i think it's because he believes in God. as a fellow Christians, there's this principle, be light and salt of this world. and i think he really does that. even though he knew the consequences of being public figure, he didn't care. he knew that in his position he could gain anything for himself and his family. but so far nothing. he did what he thought best for his people. without added retribution. he stood firm with his belief. he really does shine. he truly pictures what a Christian should be. honest. reliable. just. especially being a public service officer that is too tainted of being corrupt. he didn't get sidetracked with this position. he still sees white as white, black as black. and i think it's super rare nowadays. no wonder he gets a lot of voters.

i might say that he's a breeze in our politics world. he brought something new. he brought courage. he brought honesty. he brought wisdom. he brought boldness. he brought hope. even though he didn't win, i think many people will see that he could make a change. he was willing to try. so why not follow him? he put hope that there's an honest man, perhaps more than one in this government that could change our country toward good directions. that we shouldn't lose hope in our government. if one man could do so much, why not working together? i think in the next year many younger people will start to join the politics because of him. let's just don't lose hope. don't lose hope that there is only one mr. ahok in our country. that only mr. ahok can make change. let's put his example to a good use, and not just watch, shall we?

after all, i believe there's a saying "don't ask your country what it could give to you, but ask yourself what you can do for your country". now let's be strong and make this country a better place. for you. for me, for us. as for him, thank you sir, for what you have sacrificed for your region. for us. for showing us that there's no need to be afraid to be different. to be honest. to be just. even though you're a minority. even though people underestimate you. even though you didn't win, you've won a lot of people hearts. i hope the best for you and your family, sir. moreover to your eldest son. looking forward to being a colleague of him. cheers!